The Uphill Climb

Hi, Everyone!

I wanted to thank you all for your love, kindness, service, and prayers.  I felt truly uplifted from the my last blog post. I thought I would give you all an update so that you are not all left hanging. 

I am happy to announce that I am doing better!!!  Of course, I still have anxious feelings and thoughts, but I'm managing them more instead of them managing me.  It's a start, and I am grateful! 

There are so many things that have helped me, so I thought I would share some with you.

1) Accepting that I needed help, and then even ASKING for it.  Things were not going well, and I knew it.  Reaching out to all of you was therapeutic in and of itself.  My next step, was to ask for help.  There is no shame in this!  I don't know why it can be so hard for us, but I straight up said, "This is bigger than me.  I need help."

2)  Working through emotional barriers and emotional healing.  I had to recognize that some of the anxiety I was carrying was not even my own.  I was carrying the anxiety and fears of many people around me.  I can serve; I can love; the rest I have to leave up to the Savior and to the person whose problem it really is. 

3)  Finding something that would help chemically.  It was more than just my emotions and thinking patterns that were off. Chemically things were not functioning correctly in my body.  I'm sure hormones after having a baby played a big part in this.  Because I am nursing, I didn't feel comfortable taking things that I would have in the past.  I felt like my hands were tied.  Of course I had been praying all along, but I had to get really specific with those prayers. It went from a vague cry of "Help me," to "Heavenly Father, what can I take that will help with my anxiety and will be helpful to my baby?"  He answered my prayer, and I was very specifically led to a probiotic/mood helping mixture.  Thank the Heavens, it has been helping me a TON. 

4)  Trusting in the whisperings of the Spirit.  I belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  In our semi-annual General Conference (held in October), President Nelson invited all of the women/girls (ages 8 and up) to read the Book of Mormon by the end of the year.  There could not have been better timing for this!  I have seen miracles in me through the reading of this book.  The Spirit has been with  me more strongly.  Over and over the Spirit has been whispering to me, "It is going to be ok."  This sweet whispering is accompanied by a feeling of peace that only having the Savior in my life can bring me.  I know that voice, and I trust that voice.  Sometimes I don't know how it is all going to be ok, but I know that through Jesus Christ,  it IS going to be ok!

I love this quote!  I found this graphic online and am in no way taking credit for it, but thanks to whoever put it out there to be shared!  :)  

I hope that you will find help if you are needing it today.  I wish you all the best of holidays.  May the joy of Christ fill your hearts and homes this Christmas season! 

Much Love -
Heather

The Post I Wasn't Going to Write

I wasn't going to write this.

I wasn't going to write this because I'm not on the other side of it...yet.

I wasn't going to write this because I'm a mess, and part of me really wants you to believe that I'm not a mess,  that I am handling life really well, that I can do anything and everything!

I'm not a "success story" that screams, "Listen to me because I have it all together, and I know just what you should do!"  Instead, I'm broken.

I'm broken, and I know it.

I'm broken, but I can't seem to put all the pieces together again.

The anxiety has been taking over my world.  I'm drowning on the inside.
I've tried to talk myself out of it.
I've tried to focus on the positive.
I've told myself, "Snap out of it!  Get your act together, Woman!"
But, I can't.

When you suffer with anxiety or depression or ADHD or anything else of the sort, you can't just snap out of it.  You can't always talk yourself out of it, or guess what??? No one would have these disorders!  Do you think someone wants this?

I feel guilty because I know that my life is really, really good.  I know I have so many blessings.  I know that outside it looks like I "shouldn't" be struggling.  But, I am.

So, why did I decide to write this?

Because, it is my REALITY, and there are some of you out there that feel the same way. There are those of you who are hurting inside.  Who are exhausted from the internal battle that rages. There are those of you who need to hear someone say, "I'm broken, too.  You're not alone."  That is what I am saying.  You. Are. Not. Alone.

I'm also writing this so that maybe we can have a little more compassion for ourselves and for others.  Maybe we can look at each other and instead of judging, just reach out a hand and offer a listening ear (even if we don't understand what people are going through). Maybe we can say, "What can I do to help?"  Maybe we can look past each other's messes and see people, children of God, who need love and acceptance. Maybe we can see that a lot of us are doing the dang best that we can.  Maybe instead of turning our noses up at people, we can open our arms.  Maybe we don't need to put people in categories or slots.  Maybe we can give people the benefit of the doubt.  Maybe I can give myself the benefit of the doubt. Maybe we can do this...we can get through this...together.      

Finally, I'm writing this to tell you that, I am going to be ok.  In my heart of hearts, underneath the mess, I still know that I am going to be ok. I am going to keep getting up in the morning.  I am going to keep trying to give my kids the best me I can.  I am going to keep searching for solutions.  I am going to accept help when offered.  I am going to seek help.  I am going to try to swallow my pride. I am going to put one foot in front of the other.  Through the grace of Jesus Christ and with His tender mercies, I am going to be ok.

And so are you.

Much Love ~
Heather

The Diet: The Anxiety Saga Continues...

Y'all what you put in your mouth, chew, and swallow MATTERS!  What we eat affects us, not just the size of our bodies, but the quality of our lives.  I know this; I have experienced this first-hand, and I STILL struggle.  I am a recovering picky eater.  I have come a long way, my friends, but gosh dang, I still like cupcakes, candy, pudding, the list is endless!  So, please don't think that I eat perfectly, but I feel this needs to be shared.

I mentioned in another post, that I would talk about some of what I call "chemical triggers" of my anxiety.  And those triggers are FOOD.  First offender:  Dairy.  I've had a love/hate relationship with that one for a LONG time.  I truly have a dairy-intolerance that I have known about since I was young.  I used to have a stomachache every day in elementary school.  The teacher and my mom wondered how I could have a stomachache EVERY DAY.  Well, I was drinking milk with my lunch EVERY DAY.  So, I had to cut out dairy.  That started the rollercoaster ride....crave dairy- eat dairy- feel crappy- cut out dairy- crave dairy and on and on and on.  It's insanity, people.

What I didn't realize back then was that the stomachache was not the only price I was paying with my rollercoaster eating.  Eating dairy directly affects my ANXIETY.  It's usually a day or two later that it hits full force, but it is still connected.  The idea seemed ridiculous when it was first presented to me (probably by my well-meaning mom).  I have since learned about the brain-gut connection, how food allergies affect our behavior and emotions, how foods can cause inflammation in the brain and thus affect our mental health, etc. (Google it if you don't believe me!)   This is a REAL thing, friends, and I know that I am not the only one that this affects.

Second offender: Gluten.  This one was harder for me to figure out.  Plus, I thought if I couldn't eat dairy OR gluten, I might as well lay down and die because STARVING to death didn't sound like any kind of life for me (I know...I am so dramatic!).  But, seriously, food is tied to emotion in more than one way and giving up something and feeling deprived is a struggle.  It's hard for so many people!  I finally had to bite the bullet when I was nursing my third daughter, and she couldn't have gluten.  It's one thing to harm myself with the things I eat, but it's a whole different ballgame harming my child. And, you know, going off gluten HELPED my anxiety!  Now, I try to focus on the BENEFIT of eating or not eating certain things and focus on what I CAN have.

You know the last post I wrote?  The one about emotional and mental health and our children?  Yeah, that one.  Well, I mentioned that my daughter suffers with anxiety and, at one point, depression.  She had frequent stomachaches and headaches.  We took her off gluten, and it helped her stomachaches AND anxiety.  We still have to work with thought-training and coping mechanism.  We still have bad days.  In fact, just last week we had a bad bout with my daughter and her anxiety.  We came upon a terrible wreck and saw too much.   My daughter had a stomachache for two days. But, we are managing the anxiety better and one of the BIGGEST things that has helped is taking her off gluten.

Third offender: Sugar.  Dang it!  I love sweet things!  I REALLY love sweet things.  I feel like I NEED sweet things, but sugar isn't good for me.  Especially not in the amounts I was eating.  So, I am cutting back on my sugar intake.

I don't know what food triggers you might have.  I can't tell you what to cut out of your diet.   All I know is that what we eat makes a difference.  It affects how we physically feel, our emotions, our behaviors, etc.  If you struggle with anxiety and you don't know what to do, this may be something you want to look into.  You may want to research and experiment with what you eat to see how you feel.  You'll have to give it some time.  You can't go off something for a day and think it doesn't work because you didn't have immediate results.  It takes time to get toxins out of your body.  It takes time to allow it to heal.  See if you get some positive results.  As always, pray about the direction to take.

Oh, and don't judge me if you see me eating a cupcake.  After all, I'm only human!

Much Love!!

Heather

If Your Child is Drowning, Throw Her a Lifeline

It hit me like a ton of bricks.  Bricks of guilt.  Bricks of sorrow.  Bricks of fear.  My beautiful child was depressed.  She was struggling with anxiety.  She was on a downhill slide.  And I was doing nothing about it.  It was hard to admit.  It was a hard pill to swallow.  Why? Sometimes it is easier not to deal with something, like if you don't look it in the eye and give it a name, it might just go away and disappear forever.  You may not know WHAT to do.  You might not even know where to start.  It can be overwhelming.  Then there is the guilt.   Why didn't I see this sooner?  Why did I pass on THOSE genes?  What actions have I done and words have I said that have put chinks in the armor of my darling child without even realizing it?  What would people think?  What would people think of my family?  What would people think of ME?  And it goes on...

Then, I realized.  THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME!  So, I took time to cry a little (maybe a lot).  I swallowed my pride.  I prayed.  I set aside my guilt and picked up my love and my courage, and I put on my big girl panties.  If my child was drowning, I would do everything in my power, even to the peril of my own life, to save her.  My child was emotionally drowning.  So, I started to look for ANSWERS, and I started to take ACTION.  This is an ongoing battle, my friends.  It is not a "one and done," but there has been PROGRESS.  There  has been HEALING.  And I will keep fighting for my child, because she is WORTH it!!!

We teach our kids to tie their shoes and write their names.  We teach them to count to 100, and we teach them their ABC's.  We teach them to share and be kind to others (well, we sure do try)… But how often do we take the time to teach kids to be mentally and emotionally healthy?  Do we ourselves know how to be mentally and emotionally healthy?  Do we put time into training ourselves and gaining the skill set necessary to teach our children and be good examples to them?

I believe that the hardest battles we fight in this life can be internal:  how we perceive ourselves, how we perceive the world around us, how we work with positive and negative emotions, the voices that we choose to listen to, thoughts that we give power to.  This all happens inside of us, and it can be confusing, overwhelming, and scary. How we react to outward stimuli will largely depend on how we are taking care of the inside.

I don't know all the answers (ha! not even close).  All I know is that I have felt called to focus on teaching emotional and mental health to my family and that means learning some skills myself!  It has been clumsy, imperfect, and even awkward at times.  I still have my training-wheels on, but I sure am pedaling! It's amazing when your awareness is awakened, how things just show up in your life at the right time, from the right people, in the right way.

So this is a call to all of us to open our eyes!  Open our hearts!   What is happening inside of you?  What is happening inside of your children?  How does it feel to be them?  Have open communication with your children.  Help them to learn how to deal with the anxiety, depression, fear, rejection, failure along with all the positive emotions that they may be experiencing. Get help from professionals if that is what is needed.

Your child is worth it!  YOU are worth it!  There is JOY and LIGHT and LOVE to be had in this life.  Let's arm our children with the SKILLS to take care of themselves emotionally and mentally so that they can experience life more abundantly.  You will be led in your journey; I am sure of it!

Much Love ❧

Heather

The Anxiety is NOT me: Anxiety Part 4

Last year, I did a small series of posts about Anxiety.  This is a continuation of those posts.  Today I would like to talk about seeing anxiety apart from yourself.  You are not your anxiety.  Why is this significant?  Because it frees you from the guilt and shame of what the anxiety brings into your life.  It also helps you to see that you always have choices.  Those of us with anxiety often become "stress paralyzed." We feel stuck and feel as though we have no choices.  We will always be condemned and doomed to this state.  Not. True. My friends.  There is ALWAYS hope.  There are always choices!

When I was younger, I had a very irrational fear.  I focused on this fear and it went around and around and around inside me like a hamster running on its wheel.  The OCD part of me tried to remedy this fear by saying an affirmation over and over and over in my mind.  I would write the affirmation over and over and over.  I thought that if I didn't say or write the affirmation, I would suddenly be overcome by the irrational fear and turn into something that I did not want to be.  I didn't tell anyone at the time about the embarrassing need to write and say a silly affirmation!

What I missed then was that it wasn't me!  It was the anxiety that was causing me to fixate on the supposed problem.  When you realize that you are not your anxiety, you can focus on the real problem...the anxiety!!  You can stop the wheel.  You can get professional help if needed.  You can cease giving the irrational thoughts power.  They can just pass through your head, and you don't have to feel guilty about them; you don't have to analyze them; you can just let them go!  Don't hold on to them!  See how free that feels?

When I had that realization this week, I wanted to go back in time and visit the adolescent me.  I wanted to give myself a hug and say, "It's ok. You're not broken.  You are not bad.  You have anxiety, but you are not your anxiety.  You are so much more."

We have choices.  We have hope.  We have love.  And most of all, we have the Atonement of Jesus Christ that covers it all.  It covers me and makes me more than I could ever hope to be on my own.

I hope you see yourself as Christ sees you.  When He looks at you, He sees so much more than your anxiety or depression or disability or imperfection.  He sees His brother or His sister.  He understands and offers grace.  He loves you.  Truly, truly loves YOU.  May you feel that in the center of your very being.

Much love,
Heather

Progress Before Perfection

Hi, Everyone!

I'm still alive!  I haven't written for a while.  I've been busy living life and being the mom to 5 BEAUTIFUL girls!  I only post when I feel like I have something worthwhile to say and when I feel like it could possibly be helpful to others, and this is something I've been thinking about for a while.

Summer is in full swing here, and the messes are flying as all the girls are home all day.  Hats off to my homeschooling friends!!  I think you are saints.  I love having my girls home, and I love the freedom of the schedule, but three things are a little difficult:  1)  the food, 2) the fights, and 3) the messes.  I can't be the only mom with these problems, am I right?

Whoever said that boys will eat you out of house and home did not try to keep my girls fed.  Maybe it switches when they hit adolescence and then the boys take the food consumption lead?  I don't know.  Anyway,  keeping food in the house is a task for sure.  I'm not really going to tackle that problem in this post, but felt it should get honorable mention.

The girls constantly being in each other's space also creates a problem.  The arguing, the fighting, the pinching, the scratching, the hitting, and yes, sometimes even the spitting.  Not. Good.  Thank goodness they also play really well together most of the time.  Once again, I'm not tackling this issue, so sorry if you got your hopes up.  One thing at a time, people, one. thing. at. a. time.

That brings me to the reason we are all gathered together today, and it is not marriage. You guessed it, we are talking about messes.  I have struggled so much as a mom trying to find the balance between "Touch anything, and you die," and "Sure kids, put the toothpaste all over the counter instead of a 'pea-size' on your toothbrush."  Finding a system that doesn't enslave us, but serves us is a difficult ongoing challenge.

A couple of weeks ago, I revamped our whole chore system for the summertime.  The system is based on two new family mottos:

1) Progress before perfection.

2)Does it look better when you're finished than when you started?

I didn't want the kids to feel like their chores are unclear, unfair, or unending.  I do, however, want them to learn to be respectful, responsible, and capable human beings.  I also want it to be EXTREMELY clear that I am NOT their MAID!!!

The focus on progress before perfection takes a little bit of pressure off.  It makes the system doable. It allows children to be children.  It allows learning and grace.  Things are not perfect, but they are good, and they can get better.  My children are not perfect, but they are GOOD, and when we focus on all the imperfections, we miss out on all the treasures that are right in front of our eyes.  We can progress over time and sometimes "good enough" really is good enough!

There are two purposes for the second statement.  First, take pleasure in a job well done!  Look around when you are done with your job, and see how much better it looks.  This gives a feeling of satisfaction.  It's a reward in-and-of itself.  Second, seriously, if you "did" your job, and it doesn't look better than when you started, then you did NOT do your job.  I got tired of looking around when all the chores were "done" and thinking, "How is it still such a mess??"

So, we started a new chore system.  Each girl (except the baby) has a ring with laminated chore cards for every day of the week.  Each card has their to-do list for the day. They rotate through breakfast duty, lunch duty, and dinner duty.  I want them to learn how to cook!  They rotate through a house chore (front room, computer room, downstairs, or animals), and they rotate through kitchen jobs.  They each have to work on their rooms for 10 minutes a day (not till "done," just for 10 minutes).  Reading, personal pets, brushing teeth, math, and mindful movement are also on their cards.  My girls have liked the system because they know what to expect and are not stuck with the same kitchen job or house job for days on end.  

I check chores before they play or get to do certain activities.  However, we are flexible.  Last Tuesday, we enjoyed a day at the zoo with friends and family.  No one did chores that day.  On Wednesday, we just started on the Wednesday card and didn't even worry about Tuesday!  The cousins are here this week, so who knows what will happen, but that's ok.We'll pick back up sometime!

Whatever chore system you choose, make sure it is simple and sustainable.  Your systems are there to serve you, not the other way around!

Remember:  Progress before perfection!!

Good luck!
Much Love,
Heather