The Post I Wasn't Going to Write

I wasn't going to write this.

I wasn't going to write this because I'm not on the other side of it...yet.

I wasn't going to write this because I'm a mess, and part of me really wants you to believe that I'm not a mess,  that I am handling life really well, that I can do anything and everything!

I'm not a "success story" that screams, "Listen to me because I have it all together, and I know just what you should do!"  Instead, I'm broken.

I'm broken, and I know it.

I'm broken, but I can't seem to put all the pieces together again.

The anxiety has been taking over my world.  I'm drowning on the inside.
I've tried to talk myself out of it.
I've tried to focus on the positive.
I've told myself, "Snap out of it!  Get your act together, Woman!"
But, I can't.

When you suffer with anxiety or depression or ADHD or anything else of the sort, you can't just snap out of it.  You can't always talk yourself out of it, or guess what??? No one would have these disorders!  Do you think someone wants this?

I feel guilty because I know that my life is really, really good.  I know I have so many blessings.  I know that outside it looks like I "shouldn't" be struggling.  But, I am.

So, why did I decide to write this?

Because, it is my REALITY, and there are some of you out there that feel the same way. There are those of you who are hurting inside.  Who are exhausted from the internal battle that rages. There are those of you who need to hear someone say, "I'm broken, too.  You're not alone."  That is what I am saying.  You. Are. Not. Alone.

I'm also writing this so that maybe we can have a little more compassion for ourselves and for others.  Maybe we can look at each other and instead of judging, just reach out a hand and offer a listening ear (even if we don't understand what people are going through). Maybe we can say, "What can I do to help?"  Maybe we can look past each other's messes and see people, children of God, who need love and acceptance. Maybe we can see that a lot of us are doing the dang best that we can.  Maybe instead of turning our noses up at people, we can open our arms.  Maybe we don't need to put people in categories or slots.  Maybe we can give people the benefit of the doubt.  Maybe I can give myself the benefit of the doubt. Maybe we can do this...we can get through this...together.      

Finally, I'm writing this to tell you that, I am going to be ok.  In my heart of hearts, underneath the mess, I still know that I am going to be ok. I am going to keep getting up in the morning.  I am going to keep trying to give my kids the best me I can.  I am going to keep searching for solutions.  I am going to accept help when offered.  I am going to seek help.  I am going to try to swallow my pride. I am going to put one foot in front of the other.  Through the grace of Jesus Christ and with His tender mercies, I am going to be ok.

And so are you.

Much Love ~
Heather