The closet. That's where I go when a panic attack escalates. But, sometimes it's not enough to just go in the closet, turn off the lights, and shut the door. I have to go into the corner behind the clothes and make myself as small as possible. I curl into a ball and bury my face into my knees. I cover my ears and try to breathe. But, it's hard to catch my breath. It's hard to breathe at all. The slightest noise or touch or light might be too much for me to handle. I sit there in the dark, blocking all stimulus, and I pray. I pray to be able to deal with my life. Sometimes the anxiety is so overwhelming that all I can put into words is, "Help me." I say it over and over and over again.
Anxiety is not rational. When you suffer with anxiety, you don't get to pick what you have anxiety over. I literally have had anxiety over the space between my front teeth, parking a car, driving stick shift, dentist and doctor's appointments, my kids' homework assignments, the dishes, brushing my teeth, the possibility of losing the diamonds in my wedding ring (to the point that I stopped wearing it...I said I didn't want to scratch anyone when I wore it, and that is true, but I couldn't handle having to count the diamonds over and over), and the list goes on. So, why am I sharing something so personal (and, yes, even a little embarrassing)? I have two reasons: 1) I'm hoping that it will be therapeutic for me, and 2) I hope it will help others that may struggle with something similar. I hoping that typing this and sharing what I have learned from anxiety and how to deal with it will be helpful for somebody, maybe even you!
I am happy to say that my dates with the closet really have become fewer and farther in between. Over time, I have learned strategies and lifestyle changes that have really helped. Because this has been something that I've been working on for a long time, I will be typing a series of posts about it. This is just the first installment!
Before I get too far into this topic, I have to say that I am not an expert. I'm not diagnosing or prescribing anything to anyone. I prefer to treat myself naturally, but you need to do what is right for you and that may mean medication or professional help. That's between you and the Lord. I'm just sharing my experience and what has helped me.
I truly believe that there are two parts to anxiety. One part is mental/emotional and has to do with our thought patterns, experiences, etc. The other part is chemical. It happens when there is an imbalance of some sort in your body. That's when it is just as biological as it is psychological.
For me, these two different parts of anxiety must be dealt with differently, but both must be addressed. So, I will be sharing techniques over the next several blog posts that have helped me in these areas.
Today, I just want to say that if you struggle with anxiety, you are not alone. The Lord is aware of you, and He will guide you in ways to better be able to shoulder your burden. Ask Him what you should do, and He will answer. The answers will come line upon line. You will need to do things step by step, but the Lord will help you. So, that is my first step to recovery...Pray!
Until next time....
Much love -
Heather
You're awesome and so one of my heroes!
ReplyDeleteYou're so nice and always so supportive! Thank you!
DeleteIt is so natural for me to assume that everyone else is perfect. I am a comparison person that always compares myself to other people, and assume that their life is so perfect. I have to be honest, I thought that you were perfect in every way. I never would have thought that you go through something like this, and I naturally think this way and so I see myself as broken, as a loser, I often ask myself why I can't be like so and so, and think that I must be weak and that I need to be stronger and be like others who are able to control their life and don't have issues like this. It is also very hard when my spouse doesn't understand and says things lime snap out of it, everyone has stress and anxieties in their life so you just need to get over it and move on. That is so hard when you feel like you can't open up to your spouse because he does not validate what you are going through, and assumes that I am overreacting. He was raised in a different world, his family raised sheep and lived in the mountains away from a lot of life's stresses. His family does not have mental illness, did not deal with the stresses of life in what I call the real world. So he is not familiar with what it was like growing up with the day to day stresses of life in a normal day to day life in the city, in the grind of the busy and in reality a cruel world. He was protected from that by living away from that and his life was hard in a different way his idea of a hard day was more physical labor, and not having to deal woth mean people, always comparing yourself to others that tear you down mentally, his life was slower and filled with simplicity. I envy the way he grew up away from the hustle and bustle of what I call the real world. So he does not understand that mental illness and anxiety are a real thing. His attitude is just get over it and move on, it's all in your head, be stronger. I feel so inadequate and weak because I can't just get over it and then I start to feel like a weak person because I am always feeling anxious and at times I am literally immobilized because of the stress and anxiety that I experience. It is so nice to hear that other people deal with the same issue that I deal with and that someone else locks themselves in the closet and curls up into a ball because they too can't deal with life at times. I am not saying that I am glad someone else feels this way, because I don't wish this on anyone, but it is just nice to know I am not alone. Thank you for making yourself vulnerable, and being able to share these things you struggle with because it does make me feel like I am not stupid, and that it's not all in my head. This is real. Unfortunately other people do deal with the same pro lens and feelings that I deal with. I appreciate your honesty and I am so excited to follow your blog, you might have some tools that will help me, you might be able to help me see things in a different way that I do. You are an amazing women and I hope I might be able to help you in some way, or maybe you might feel not so alone by me being able to share some things you were not able to see. I am excited to continue reading what you have to say about what you go through, now I have someone to talk to that understands and won't belittle me. May God be with you and comfort you in those times you find yourself in the closet.
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